How do you keep that connection going with the other parent?
This seemed to be a common question amongst the co-parents to whom we spoke. Some found co-parenting easier than others, depending on the nature of their relationship with the other parent.
The complexities of co-parenting during COVID would give even the greatest decision maker a headache!
Decisions range from “who gets the child?” to “should we try platonic cohabitation?”, making the decision to make two separate families into one big one.
The decisions parents have had to make during this time have not been taken lightly, nor have they always been easy.
We heard from six co-parents about their experiences during COVID.
The biggest concern for most of the parents we spoke to was the impact of COVID on the child/children.
You have constantly got to think about the child’s relationship with their other parent. – A (mum of four)
For those whose children were old enough to make decisions for themselves or to travel between parents’ houses, this aspect seemed to work all right:
Not a massive amount has really changed. I only live 15 minutes away from my daughter. She’s 14 now, so she comes and goes as she likes. We have a flexible unwritten arrangement. Pre-lockdown, she would come four days a week, but it wasn’t a plan. It’s just the way it materialised. Throughout lockdown, sometimes it was less and sometimes more. – P (dad of one)
However, for those with younger children or supervised visit arrangements, decisions were a little more complex:
It broke my heart, trying to explain to her why she couldn’t see her father. I am still not sure she fully understands.
My ex works as a doctor, and I manage care homes. Our daughter is five, and we are both key workers. She has gone to school the whole way through, which has been great for her. However, her dad being a doctor meant that at one stage, she didn’t see him for months. It was such a tough decision to make. It broke both of our hearts. She didn’t understand what was going on. Before the pandemic, she would stay with her dad every other weekend. They have had an increase in FaceTime calls, but it’s not the same.” – C (mum of one)
And what about when co-parenting arrangements are not amicable? What happens to the children’s relationships with their parents then?
According to Cathcass, 44,000 families are in family court. This affects a total of 101,000 children. Most, if not all, are at that stage because the parents don’t talk. Many have other services/provisions that impact at least one of the parents seeing their child/children.
Supervised visits
The ability to continue a routine of supervised visits has been impossible for some families:
COVID has essentially switched off my son’s relationship with his father.
My son’s dad is an alcoholic. We have a pretty amicable relationship now, but he’s not allowed to see our son without the supervision of his own parents. They are both over 70 and shielding. So, he can’t see Jamie at all. It’s been really hard for him. He lost his job, and his drinking got worse. I am sure my son is not the only child whose care is heavily reliant on grandparents–grandparents who can no longer be available, because of COVID. – A (mum of four)
Handling Education:
Trying to create seamless homeschooling arrangements or agree on how children should be educated when you have a less than amicable co-parenting arrangement can also be difficult:
My biggest test was the continuity of homeschooling. When communication just causes conflict, you essentially have to leave it all up to the child to tell the other parent what they have been doing. It’s a nightmare but, it’s often better than the alternative. – S (mum of one)
Her mum and I have very different views on education. I get it, zoom classes aren’t ideal or perfect, but they are better than nothing. Her mum thinks they are pointless, and I worried my daughter would get nothing done. I am just lucky that she took the initiative herself, and goes to class. – P (dad of one)
Increased conflict
For some, co-parenting has come to a complete standstill:
I can see how he is using the pandemic as an excuse not to see his daughter. I can’t believe he is doing this to her. I rang him 50 times the other day! Normally, I wouldn’t bother, but it’s straining my relationship with our daughter too now. She’s upset that she hasn’t seen her dad and is taking it out on me. It’s not fair.– N (mum of one)
I have two daughters. And they have two different mums. Let’s just say one of their mums has been a lot less forgiving during this time. Being able to see both daughters has felt impossible. And like I said, one of their mums hasn’t really helped with that. But how do you choose between your children? I am constantly stuck between a rock and a hard place. The law is clear in that the girls have to stay at their primary addresses, but it’s not so clear on what I should do. – B (dad of two)
Problems with the law
Most people, co-parenting or not, have been confused by the law at some point during the pandemic. There are some things that are crystal clear, and other things that are as murky as the River Thames. Through our conversations, it became apparent that even the legal definition of a child has caused issues for some families.
The thing that makes me really sad is the definition of a child. I have an 18-year-old and a 22-year-old who legally aren’t allowed to spend time with their other parent. They are not immune to needing love and care from their parent [just] because they are legally an adult. – A (mum of four)
There are so many things to consider when co-parenting, never mind trying to co-parent during a pandemic. The stories of the parents interviewed were raw, honest, and sometimes painful. Despite this, every parent interviewed wanted to make sure they shared some of their COVID co-parenting highlights with you all, too:
I love it when my daughter comes over. When she comes, she lights up the room, brings gossip about her mates, [and] you notice a difference in the room. – P (dad of one)
Our relationship has been able to remain amicable. – A (mum of four)
Our little girl is still smiling, every day. – C (mum of one)
We have been able to work on our conflict resolution skills! – N (mum of one)
I have been able to get to know one of my daughters really well, something I will forever be grateful for. – B (dad of two)
I understand her schoolwork so much better now. I feel much more confident helping her. – S (mum of one)
