The words we use to talk to ourselves can have a huge impact on how we think, feel and behave. The way we talk to ourselves can develop and change slowly over time and can be influenced by lots of different things such as;

• The people around us and how they talk to us and others.

• The expectations from others and the ones we might place on ourselves as a result.

• The things that we are exposed to from music, TV and film and even the social media platforms we use.

Sometimes those influences can affect us in a good way (E.g. a teacher might encourage and motivate us to try at something even when it doesn’t come easy). And sometimes those influences can affect us in a not-so-good way (E.g. when our social media feed causes us to feel like we need to look or act a certain way).

And because there are so many things that influence the way we talk to ourselves, we might not even notice it’s happened. It can also be really difficult to change; and that’s why we wanted to think about it here – to help you explore your own self talk and where to start if you wanted to change it.

Let’s take a closer look using two characters – Riley and Alex

*These characters are made up and not based on real life people.

Both Riley and Alex attend the same school. They are both just as smart and able as each other and their teachers often put them into the same subject groups at school. School staff have every confidence that they can both do well at school and beyond.

What their teachers don’t know is that despite having similar abilities, the way they talk to themselves is very different.

Meet Riley

Riley enjoys school but like most people, finds certain subjects more difficult than others. Maths is something she feels she needs to work on; she often tells herself,

‘The more I practice, the easier I will find it and the better I’ll get at it.’

Riley wants to play for the girls’ football team but isn’t sure whether to try out because the team is really good and she’s not sure she’s at their standard yet. She tells herself,

’I want to play something I enjoy and will try my best to be part of this team.’

Recently, Riley had an argument with a friend. This has happened before with this particular person. She tells herself,

‘We’ve worked it out before and we can again.’

The issue has really upset her and she wonders what to do. She tells herself,

‘I don’t need to be alone with this.’

Riley eventually reached out to a teacher who supported her and helped her to resolve the situation with the friend. She thought to herself,

‘I feel cared for and supported.’

Now meet Alex

Alex also enjoys school but recently has found himself having thoughts about not being good enough. Recently in a Maths test, he didn’t do as well as he had hoped. He told himself,

‘I don’t know why I bother, I’m rubbish at Maths.’

He loves sports and his PE teacher wants him to join the athletics team and compete against other schools. He tells himself,

’There’s people in my year who are better than me. I’m not good enough.’

He has an argument with a friend at lunchtime and spends the rest of the break by himself. He tells himself,

‘My friends don’t like me.’

The issue really upset him and he wonders what to do. He tells himself,

‘I’ve got no friends, and I can’t trust anyone. It’s better to be alone.’

How did self-talk impact Riley and Alex?

Riley and Alex both experienced similar situations but the way they talked to themselves really impacted how they felt, thought and behaved. Both experienced challenges. And while Riley’s self-talk focused on what she could achieve in time, Alex’s, perhaps focused on things he felt he couldn’t do or negatives he saw as facts about himself.

How do you talk to yourself and how does it impact you?

How can we change our self talk?

Changing how you talk to yourself takes time and practice. Here are just some examples of how you can call out your own internal language and support yourself instead:

• Instead of saying ‘I can’t do this, I’m giving up’ – say, ‘this is really tough but I’m going to try my best’

• Instead of saying ‘I’m not good enough’ – say, ‘I am enough and I matter’

• Instead of saying ‘I never get anything right’ – say, ‘I haven’t figured it out yet’

• Instead of saying ‘no one likes me’ – say, ‘I like me’

These statements are just examples, but we realise that they might not work for everyone. If you think, ‘I would never say that to myself’, that’s OK, just think about the kinds of statements that work for you.

Practice makes permanent

Of course, it’s not always so easy just to change the way we talk to ourselves. It can sometimes take a really long time and a lot of practice. Here are just a few ways you can practice making positive self-talk a permanent feature into your everyday life.

• Positive post-it notes
  Putting positive self-talk post-it notes on your mirror, in your bedroom, or even on your kitchen notice board can be a daily reminder of how to talk to yourself. A good tip is to think about how you might talk to a friend or someone you care about and say it to yourself instead!

• Say it out loud! Repeating something positive out loud to yourself can be a great way to practice talking positively about yourself on a regular basis. Here are just a couple of simple ideas:

‘I am enough’

‘I am doing my best’

• Think about your role models Do the people you look up to in your life talk positively to you or others? What about your favourite musicians, TV personalities and influencers?

Surrounding ourselves with positive role models can influence how we talk to ourselves too. Of course, we really understand sometimes it’s not so easy if the people we live with aren’t always such positive influences. But we can change the way we talk to ourselves. Even if we can’t always change those around us.