This article was written by a Kooth mental health writer, Dal. It contains mentions of the following themes: racism and speaking up.

Let me start with a story…

Avtar is an ambitious young man who lives with his large family in a small farming village. He is the first person in his family who can read and write.

Realising that there isn’t anything for him to do other than farming, he makes the decision to leave his family and find work elsewhere. His parents are upset by this decision, but they want their son to be happy.

Pretty soon, Avtar gets a job working as a kitchen hand on a ship, makes friends with different kinds of people, and lands in England. He decides to stay in England for a short while, but he misses his family.

One day, he is coming out of a tube station, and a few young men hurt him and remove some of his religious clothing.

He manages to run away but is frightened and shaken by this incident. He has never experienced this before and questions whether he should stay in England. He decides to stick around on the suggestion of his friends.

Shortly afterwards, Avtar gets married and starts a family.

As his three children grow up in a different country, he finds it hard to understand their experiences and how to help them. They often ask him to explain why other children call them certain words, why other children say they smell like curry, and why they feel scared when these things happen.

He speaks to them about racism, tells them to ignore what other people say, asks them not to get into fights and to instead focus on their studies.

His children grow up and start working in jobs he could never dream of. Their achievements make him feel proud. But now he’s noticed his children talking about their experiences of working in an office. They’ve noticed that they don’t seem to get recognised or promoted as often as other people.

They feel like their voices are ignored in meetings, but they worry that perhaps they’re being paranoid. And they feel lonely, because there aren’t many people like them in the office. When Avtar tells them they’re being treated differently and unfairly, they refuse to believe him because “it’s not the 70s anymore, Dad!”

But, years later, they find these patterns of behaviour keep coming up in their lives.

Avtar is my father.

And this is a short story of how racism has affected – and continues to affect – my family to this day.

Growing up, I learned quickly when to talk – and who to talk to – about racism, and when and who not to talk to. And, even with all the lessons I’ve learned along the way, it still feels like one of the hardest topics to talk about openly – even though it is such a damaging experience.

Constantly seeing the images on my phone, TV, and YouTube when the BLM movement was getting traction left me feeling angry, confused, disappointed, and guilty.

I found it hard to focus on my work in this emotional state. I wasn’t able to eat and sleep properly. I had a feeling of sickness in the pit of my stomach. It left me feeling tired and physically broken sometimes.

I started asking myself lots of questions, like:

• Could I have spoken about my experiences and others’ experiences sooner?
• Could I have spoken about my experiences and others’ experiences more often?
• Could I have made people feel uncomfortable by asking certain questions when they needed to be asked?
• Have I done enough to speak up about this topic?
• What can I do to help others understand why it’s important to talk about this topic?
• How can I contribute, in any way, to make it better for the next generation?

As a first step, I decided it was important to share my family’s story. Because this story matters.

We need to start talking about our stories and our experiences. Only through our personal stories can we help others understand the pain and impact of racism on our families, communities, health, and happiness.

Second, I am also making a personal commitment to use the term racism when I know this is happening to me or others. When we cover up racism by using euphemisms or sugar-coated terms, we are not doing ourselves any favours in our goal to build a better future. We deny the reality of an experience.

Before I finish, there is only one thing I want to say to you: keep talking, keep sharing your stories and experiences, and keep supporting each other.

*Pseudonyms are used in this article to protect anonymity.