This article was written by a Kooth mental health writer, Jamie. It contains mentions of the following themes: LGBTQ+, family, siblings, grief, and change.
“My sibling came out in stages. It started with her changing her name but not really explaining why. I just went with it because I know teenagers go through a lot of changes.
“I left home to go to university and wasn’t really around my family as regularly. When I came home from living abroad one year, she told me she was trans. It kind of felt like I didn’t know my sibling as well as I thought I did, which was a bit unnerving.
“The process of coming out was just a bit surprising. I struggled to adjust to using her pronouns and her chosen name, but these things didn’t bother me too much.”
“However, I did feel, and still do feel like I lost the brother I grew up with – someone I’ve had my identity tied to my whole life. I know we’re individual people, but I grew up really close with my brother. After she came out, it felt like she was a bit of a stranger, which was a big challenge for me because I like to feel close with my family.
“For me, there was a grief process in realising she’s not exactly who she was before. But then also understanding that that’s okay. It’s normal that there’s a sense of loss for the person I grew up with. While she’s still there, it’s not the same person. My idea of her is totally changed. I think just letting go of that someone who I used to know as someone who is no longer around has helped me just accept who is here. Yet they’re still the same person in many ways. It’s a very weird feeling.”
“A lot of the focus has been on the interactions between my sister and my parents, who haven’t taken her coming out well. They’ve expressed a lot of grief over who they lost. And my sister hasn’t always felt positively about that, and has expressed that to me. So on one hand, I’m happy she’s comfortable expressing that to me. But on the other hand, it doesn’t really allow me to express those feelings either. So communicating the loss I feel seems like I’m betraying her in some way.
“Looking from the outside, I think it’s different for her because she’s always felt she needs this change. For me, I thought he was perfect the way he was. And so it’s been such an experience trying to just wrap my head around accepting who she really wants to be rather than who I knew and who I thought was fine the way he was.”
“My sibling came out when she was a teenager, so a lot of the changes in our dynamic is just the change of her growing up I think. I was always quite responsible and had that protective older sibling cliche. But as she’s changed and grown, I’ve seen her become more of a responsible adult and a lot more thoughtful of other people.
“To be honest, in many ways the dynamics in our relationships are quite the same. Rather than how she looks on the outside, a lot of her behaviour and who she is has remained the same. She still does all her activities she did when she was a boy; she works with cars and plays video games. But I do think the idea of sisterhood is different for me, and I don’t always feel really comfortable in what I’m doing with that.
“It’s not so much the dynamic between myself and my sibling that’s different after her transition, but just how people see us. So we’re now two sisters I guess. And I don’t really know what it’s like to be a sister. There are all those stories you hear about people sharing clothes and doing this and that, which I’ve never experienced. One day I was getting rid of some old clothes in my closet, and my sister goes, ‘Oh, I’ll take that.’ That’s just never happened before; it was a bit jarring for me.”
“If I’m being honest, her life will be harder for her because of who she is. I know in some ways everybody struggles with their own life challenges. But being trans is something still not fully accepted in communities, and especially by our community because it’s more conservative. When I look forward, I grieve an easier future for her and for us as a family. I know things are going to be difficult and our lives will be more difficult because of it.
“And for myself, I fear that I will never feel totally comfortable with her transition, and I don’t want to feel that way with my own sibling. But I just try to remember that everybody has their own situation. If it weren’t that my sister was trans, it would probably be something else I wouldn’t be totally comfortable with.”
“I’ve processed the grief mainly by focusing on the positives of who she is now. I mean, it is a very unique experience to have a brother who’s then a sister, and I never thought I’d have a sister.
“I try to understand that many things are out of my control and I need to let go of the desire to control the situation. Knowing that it makes her happy if I accept her as she is is what’s most important to me.”
*All names are pseudonyms to protect anonymity.
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