Great friends can benefit us in so many ways. They can be there for us during happy or sad times, they can make us feel good about ourselves, and often make us laugh like no one else.
So, when we don’t have those sorts of friendships, we might question why. We might wonder whether it’s got something to do with us. We might ask ourselves:
- Am I good enough?
- Do people like me?
- Do I need to change who I am?
Not having good friendships might also make us feel alone, sad, and unable to feel like we really belong.
Why finding the right friends might be difficult
There are many reasons why you might find yourself in this position:
- You have moved to a new school, or a new home that’s far away from those who know you
- You might have fallen out with your current friends
- You might have lots of friends, but feel like there’s no one you really gel with
- You might feel stuck in a friendship group you’ve grown out of
- You might have trouble making friends due to past experiences
Whatever the reason you haven’t found friends that are right for you, you are definitely not alone.
Do I need to have a big group of friends to feel happy?
Films, and TV shows starring big friendship groups can make us feel like we have to have lots of friends to be happy and successful in life. Social media hashtags such as, “squad goals”, and a social media feed full of group photo posts might feel pretty unhelpful too.
The truth is, while some people enjoy having bigger groups of friends, it’s not right for everyone. Some people find having one or two good friends is enough for them, and that’s okay. It’s important to remember that the quality of the friendships is more important than how many friends you have.
How can I find friendships that are right for me?
There are lots of different ways to make friends, but finding the right ones is slightly trickier.
Here are some of our top tips.
Be yourself
This seems like an obvious one, but it’s harder than some people think. It’s natural to pick up the ways your friends behave sometimes, but, if you try to completely mirror how other people are (for example, by going along with what others do, think and say), you might find yourself being friends with those who don’t make you happy in the long run. Being yourself can help you feel more relaxed, more comfortable in your own skin, and hopefully attract friends that are right for you. If this is something you like the sound of, why not check out our podcast on building self confidence
After all, how will people get to know how brilliant you are if you’re not yourself?
Think about your personal boundaries
Boundaries are so important in friendships and are often a really important part of finding and keeping friends that are right for you. Boundaries are all about figuring out what you’re okay and not okay with. Clear boundaries can make all relationships easier and healthier. If we all know and can share how we expect to be treated, then building a relationship can be a more positive experience. A lack of personal boundaries increases the risk of entering into unhealthy relationships with others.
It’s not always easy to establish what our boundaries actually are. A good way to start thinking about your personal limits is to write down the things that feel important to you.
For example…
- I prefer friends to ask before they borrow something of mine
- If I tell my friend something private, I want them to keep it to themselves
- It upsets me when friends are late
- I like to stay in touch, but I don’t really like to be constantly messaging all day – just a few throughout the day is enough for me
Boundaries work both ways too, so it’s important to listen to the boundaries of your friends for everyone to feel heard and respected. Remember, boundaries are individual limits so what you are ok with might not be ok for somebody else.
Join a club/group/new activity
Taking part in something you enjoy such as a sport or activity is a great way to have fun, and meet people who have similar interests to you. Not everyone you meet will become a friend, but having a similar interest is a great place to start. You might want to consider:
- Joining an after school club (if you’re unsure of what’s on offer, your form tutor or head of year might be able to help)
Or:
- Taking part in something outside of school to meet new people (e.g. swimming, art, music, gaming)
If you don’t like the idea of joining a specific club, just being in areas where you might meet like minded friends could still be really helpful. For example, if you love reading, spending time in the school library might be a good place to meet friends who also have a love of books.
*You might find some groups and activities online. To ensure your safety, always check the site out with an adult first, and never give away any personal identifying details (e.g. your full name, date of birth, address, phone number etc).
If this article has affected you in any way, or you just want to talk to one of our team about anything at all, you can do that by heading to messages or live chat.