If you have a child who feels unable to go to school, it can be upsetting and stressful for the whole family. Emotionally Based School Avoidance (EBSA), previously referred to as ‘school refusal’, is something that families and schools are dealing with more and more.
In this article, Kim, a teacher and mother of a child who often won’t go to school, shares her advice for parents who are in similar situations. To hear more about Kim’s experience, read our article My child doesn’t want to go to school: Kim’s story
This feels like an obvious one, but making time to actively listen to your child can help them to feel understood, while also helping them to explore how they feel and why. Once you understand the problem, you’ll be in a much better position to help. For some tips on how to do this, check out this article on [How to talk to your child about their feelings](add link).
Making a plan with your child for strategies that might be useful at school and at home can help your child feel more able to cope. Doing this together can help reinforce the idea that you’re on their team.
To create this plan, you might ask:
When your child cannot articulate what they need, it’s so important that you’re there to advocate for them. I’ve found this has been essential with Alana. Most of the time, she hasn’t outwardly expressed her anxiety, which has meant she’s gone under the radar at school. You are their voice, so make those appointments, send those emails, and make as much noise as you need to in order to get some support. It might even feel unnatural, but being their voice in an assertive way really is essential.
If your child has negative experiences of school, teachers, or other helping professionals, it can be good to encourage some positive experiences where you can. This might be a conversation with a teacher they like, an opportunity to work with a professional who might be able to help them, or just doing something in and around school that doesn’t feel negative. This could help them to see school and external support in a more balanced way.
Supporting a child who doesn’t want to go to school can feel exhausting for the whole family. Having support around you – whether it’s extended family or friends – can be a real lifeline. There are also lots of support groups for parents going through a similar experience that can be really helpful. Ask your local children’s services for information.
Having a strong relationship when times are tough can be essential. I’m saying this knowing my husband and I really need to make more time for each other as a couple, not just as parents.
In my quest for answers, there was a lot of self-blame. I would ask myself: ‘Is it my fault?’ and ‘What did I do wrong?’. This isn’t helpful for anyone. It’s much kinder to remind yourself that you’re doing your best. As a parent who’s been managing this situation for some time, I can honestly say that there is no one more determined than a parent trying to support their child. Other ways to be kind to yourself might include some self care, such as making time for your own interests, or even setting aside some time to take care of your own needs.
*All names are pseudonyms used to protect anonymity.
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