The feelings that you experience when you lose someone can be hard to deal with, hard to keep inside of you, and even harder to understand at times.
Sometimes it is extra hard because you expect to feel a certain way and perhaps feel something completely different. The way we feel when we grieve, may also depend on how that person died, and your relationship with them in the past and at the time of their death. What’s important to remember is that everyone is different and that everyone grieves differently.
Kooth is full of useful resources, content and support services to help you navigate the complicated emotions that can come with grief or loss
Have you ever had any unexpected feelings when someone has died?
Feeling things we don’t want to feel or have never felt before can be really difficult. When we feel new or unexpected things, we might look to those around us (such as friends, family and the media) to understand our feelings and experiences. However, if we can’t find a reflection of our feelings in the world then this can make us feel ashamed.
Grieving is a process that everyone goes through but not everyone goes through in the same way. Because it is something everyone goes through, you may hear lots of different opinions on the ‘right way or wrong way to grieve’. We believe that there is no right or wrong way to grieve. And today, we want to talk about some of the more unspoken feelings that come with grief that people might feel ashamed of.
Jo’s story
We’d like to introduce you to Jo. Jo’s step-dad died a few years ago and while the rest of the family grieved, she felt isolated with some of her difficult feelings.*
This is her story…
‘Growing up, I had this really complicated relationship with my step-dad. He wasn’t that nice to me or my mum and if I’m honest, I hated him at times. He was a drinker and would take his anger out on me. It would have been quite easy to get on with not liking him if it wasn’t for my sister who is 12 years younger than me. She loved him and they had a close relationship so I kept my feelings to myself. I can’t deny that he was a great dad to her but he wasn’t to me and maybe I also saw him in a different way because I was older. We both had really different relationships with him and I was fine with that, until he died and then that difficult relationship I had with him for all those years, triggered some feelings that I felt really uncomfortable with.
When he died, I’ll admit, what I felt was relief. I felt so relieved because I no longer had to pretend anymore. I’d spent so long pretending to like him for the sake of my sister. I avoided being near him and even talking about him because I disliked him so much. But when I experienced this feeling of relief when he died, I also didn’t know what to do with it. I couldn’t tell anyone because nobody is supposed to be relieved when someone dies are they? I felt guilty, and ashamed and thought I must be this terrible person to feel the way I did.
So I kept the feelings to myself and focused on being there for my sister, pushing away my own feelings of relief and keeping them to myself. I didn’t cry like other people did and when my sister gave a beautiful speech of what he meant to her, I felt terrible. Even writing about this, I feel disloyal to my sister and I guess I just want to know that I’m not alone. What should I do about these feelings?
*Jo is a made up name to keep this person anonymous.
Reflections from a therapist
The feelings that Jo is experiencing are not unusual. By this we mean that there are many other people who have feelings of relief when someone they know passes away.
In Jo’s situation, she had these feelings because her step father’s death helped her to let go of some of the feelings she was holding on to. However, she was also triggered to a place of shame because she didn’t have anyone or anywhere telling her it was okay to feel relief. She also knew her feelings might upset her family, and so she felt alone.
It is very common for us to feel like our feelings and or thoughts are not OK if we don’t have anyone or anything around us telling us about similar feelings or experiences.
This can be very difficult to overcome because to find out, you are likely to have to speak to someone and tell them how you are feeling. It can feel much easier to bury your emotions deep down inside you and not tell anyone. This is a common reaction to things we are ashamed of. It is okay to feel like doing this.
It is often helpful to talk to someone about how you are feeling. For example a friend or another family member. Sometimes you might feel you have no one to talk to. In these cases it can be good to talk to a professional. For example, a counsellor face to face, or even somebody here at Kooth. Explaining to someone how you have been feeling is a great way to offload, and to express and explore some of those more complicated and unspoken feelings you have.
If you are not quite ready to talk, that’s OK too and there are plenty of other ways to express how you are feeling. For example, drawing your feelings when words feel too painful is a creative and powerful way to release and express emotions. Also writing can be a great way to practice what you might say and or to help you make sense of how you are feeling. You can check out our activity writing to express how you feel for help with this.
Remember, there are no right or wrong feelings. Your feelings are unique to you and your experiences. What is important, is understanding your feelings and learning how to support them and you.