This article was written by a Kooth mental health writer. It contains mentions of the following themes: depression, school, and coping.

Depression can feel really different for everyone. We hear from Peta* who shares her personal experience of depression, and how her relationship with it has changed over the years.

Peta’s story

I was diagnosed with depression 13 years ago. I was at secondary school at the time and nobody would’ve been able to tell I was struggling. I was a model student, getting good grades, always trying my best, and receiving certificates and awards. I appeared happy and upbeat whenever I was around people.

So, when I eventually told someone at school how I was really feeling, it was a shock for them. But for me, it was a relief to finally share what was going on for me. For months on end, my mood was incredibly low , I’d lost all motivation, my sleep was really poor, and I just didn’t want to get up in the morning. But no one knew how I was feeling until I told them.

Since then, I’ve had five depressive episodes*.My relationship with depression has definitely changed and developed over the years.

*A depressive episode is a period of depression that lasts for at least two weeks.

How I felt about my depression when I was first diagnosed

I was formally diagnosed with depression at age 15. It was difficult to comprehend, as I’d always been really upbeat so it didn’t feel like me in a way, and I felt like I lost a part of my identity for a long time.

Being affected by depression is like being alone in a dark empty street with no lights on; it can be so lonely – like you’re the only person feeling this way. Because of this, I saw my depression as the enemy at first, and I was worried that I would always feel this way and would never feel happy. Depression was like this little voice that told me I wasn’t good enough, that I should do better, and that I was a failure everywhere I went.

The voice got louder the more I listened to it. Sometimes it was like the volume was on full, and as a result, it became the only thing I could listen to. So much so that I’d forget about basic things like having enough to eat and drink, brushing my teeth in the morning, and even getting dressed.

Turning down the volume of my depression

Over the years, I’ve stopped seeing my depression as the enemy. At first, it was something I needed to ‘get rid of’. Now, I see it as something to learn to live alongside. Right now, I’m not feeling depressed, but I know I could in the future. For that reason, I’ve gotten to know my depression better – befriend it almost – and learn how to manage that volume dial so it doesn’t get too loud and intense.

There are certain things I do that help me manage my depression:

• I do a lot of crafting, which helps give me focus and feels soothing.
• I absolutely love to dance; it gives me a creative outlet.
• I listen to music that reflects how I feel, or that feels calming
• I watch things on TV that make me feel good.
• I do things that appeal to my senses – for example, having things around me that smell nice helps, like a festive candle.

Learning to check in with myself

Regular wellbeing check-ins are a very important part of my life. I know that when I feel depressed, I can forget to take care of myself. Now I ask myself throughout the day, “What do I need right now?”. It might be that I need to take a break at work, I need to have some music on in the background, or I just need to have a glass of water.

Managing chaos with structure

It sounds straightforward, but when you’re feeling depressed, some of the most basic tasks feel impossible. I find setting reminders on my phone really useful for this. I have a few set throughout the day to remind me to do certain things for myself. When you’re depressed, things can feel chaotic, so my way of coping is to give myself some structure. I do this by:

• Regularly checking in on what I need
• Giving myself a checklist of manageable things to do for the day
• Talking about how I feel and what support I need from others around me, such as someone to watch a movie with me, have a cup of tea and a snack, or to just have some alone time

An ever-evolving relationship

I’ve known my depression for many years now, and as with all relationships, it changes over time. At first, I hated it and was eager to get away from it. Now, I live alongside it. I learned early on that medication didn’t really work for me (I know it helps others), but talking therapy was something I found especially useful to manage the symptoms and to get to know my depression in a different way.

My advice to others

Depression is just a small part of you. Getting to know your depression is like getting to know another part of yourself. The more you know about your depression, the better equipped you’ll be to manage it. Depression can make you feel alone, so it’s important to get the support you need when you need it the most. *Peta is a pseudonym used to protect anonymity.