This article was written by a Kooth mental health writer, Vicki, and mentions the following themes: stammering, anxiety, and isolation.
According to the NHS, stammering affects around 1 in 50 adults.
We spoke to Kate, who’s had a stammer since she was a child. She shares her experiences, including how stammering affected her growing up and how she looks after her wellbeing.
What is stammering?
Stammering, also known as stuttering, affects a person’s speech. It often develops in childhood, but can sometimes occur in adulthood as a result of a head injury or neurological condition. According to the NHS, men are about three to four times more likely to stammer than women.
If a person has a stammer, they might:
- find that words get stuck or don’t come out
- involuntarily repeat some sounds or syllables
- make some sounds longer than usual
If you want to learn more about stammering, we’ve included additional resources at the end of this article.
Kate’s story: growing up with a stammer
I’ve had my stammer for as long as I can remember. It first developed when I was a young child. I had speech therapy, but unfortunately, that stopped when I was 18. I feel I would have benefitted from keeping it going for longer.
When I was young, it was alright because I didn’t know any different, but as I got older, it bothered me more. As a child, I’d get upset because I wanted to speak to my parents and couldn’t get the words out. It was pretty frustrating.
When I started school, it was difficult – I hardly spoke to anybody and avoided people as much as possible. It felt more manageable than trying to talk to them.
There were also small things that I struggled with that people might not think about, like when they called my name on the attendance register at the start of each day. It caused me a lot of anxiety because I knew I would struggle to answer.
Whenever there was a new teacher who didn’t know me, I’d get anxious about how they might react to my stammer, and exercises where we read out loud in a group were challenging because I couldn’t always get the words out.
As I got older and moved on to high school, I found it even more complicated because you move around and interact with so many different people. I had a group of friends I could talk to, but I found people I didn’t know hard to deal with.
Stammering became an excuse not to do things, which left me feeling quite isolated and stuck. I wanted to socialise with other people and speak out in class, but my stammer stopped me.
The difficulties of daily life
As I’ve gotten older I have found ways to manage my stammer so that it doesn’t bother me so much.
For example, ordering food when I’m out can be tricky so if there’s an app, I’ll use that, or I go with other people, and they help me if I get stuck, which I find helpful.
I’ve learned that people are generally quite patient. For example, when I was pregnant, the midwives gave me the time I needed when I was answering their questions.
There are still hard things, though. Occasionally, I’ll talk to people on the phone, and they’ll say, “I could not understand you,” and are rude about it. It’s horrible.
It’s also challenging when I meet new people. For example, getting my hair done is tricky because they want to chat. I’ll stress and worry about what they will ask; I’d rather not talk.
Learning to talk about my stammer in relationships
I usually find that if I can tell someone I have stammer then they are good about giving me the time I need to speak. Sometimes though, I can’t get the words out in time which can be stressful.
For example, if I’m speaking on the phone the other person might assume the line is bad. I’ve had people hang up before to call me back! I can understand why they might think that, but it’s frustrating.
I haven’t experienced much stigma when people know I have a stammer, but I still feel anxious sometimes about them rushing me or not understanding me.
When I met my current partner I told him about my stammer before we had our first date. We met online and so we were talking over text which made it easier to tell him, and it was never an issue.
How stammering has affected my work
I’ve always found work where my stammer doesn’t affect me too much. I worked at a supermarket for three years at college and was a private personal assistant for a girl with complex needs.
Now, I work with young people with special needs and autism. I enjoy it, and it’s a great environment because everyone is aware of disabilities and knows what a stammer is.
One of the things I find tough about my stammer is when I go somewhere and they might misunderstand me or rush me because they don’t know what a stammer is, so they don’t give me the time to say what I need to.
At work, we all know to give each other time and space to say what we need to say. Having a stammer myself means I am more patient with the people I’m working with than someone else might be.
When I left college I realised that you can choose who you surround yourself with, and our differences are what make us who we are. I stopped trying to fit in so much, and worrying about what others might think of me. Work is somewhere that my stammer doesn’t affect me.
How to look after your wellbeing if you have a stammer
Having a stammer impacts my mental health and wellbeing because I sometimes don’t do things I know will be more difficult with a stammer. It’s frustrating. I wish I could speak like everyone else does.
If I could pass on one piece of advice to my younger self, it’d be: you can’t change who you are, so try and embrace it. Don’t let other people affect who you are.
One of the most challenging things with stammering is that it’s not spoken about enough. I always come across people who have never heard of it because nobody in their family or circle has a stammer.
It’s helpful to watch TV programmes about stammering to see it represented. I also like watching people discuss overcoming challenges on social media and raising awareness.
Becoming a parent
Since having my daughter, I’ve done more things I’m uncomfortable with because I do it for her.
I go out more by myself, and when she was little, I joined mum groups and talked to the other parents, but I had a hard time creating relationships with the other mums.
At the time I felt they weren’t speaking to me as much because they couldn’t understand me. It’s possible this wasn’t the case, as I know lots of people struggle with mother and baby groups, but it was definitely a worry I had.
Parenthood can also be quite challenging with a stammer because many of the appointments you have to make, for example, the GP or the health visitor, have to be done over the phone, and I struggle to make myself understood.
Becoming a parent
Since having my daughter, I’ve done more things I’m uncomfortable with because I do it for her.
I go out more by myself, and when she was little, I joined mum groups and talked to the other parents, but I had a hard time creating relationships with the other mums.
At the time I felt they weren’t speaking to me as much because they couldn’t understand me. It’s possible this wasn’t the case, as I know lots of people struggle with mother and baby groups, but it was definitely a worry I had.
Parenthood can also be quite challenging with a stammer because many of the appointments you have to make, for example, the GP or the health visitor, have to be done over the phone, and I struggle to make myself understood.
Resources
If you’re looking for more information on stammering, including how to get wellbeing support, we recommend the following resources:
- Stamma is the national UK charity for people who stammer and their friends and allies. They have a helpline and webchat, and a range of resources.
- The NHS have a comprehensive guide on stammering, including treatment information. Young Minds has published an article on how living with a stammer affects mental health.
If you’d like to speak to a mental health professional about anything at all, you can get anonymous support by messages or live chat inside Kooth.