This article was written by a Kooth worker and contains the following themes: Mental health, sharing your problems, anxiety
For all those silent strugglers, the 2am wide awakers, the quiet thinkers, the never sharers, the types that just get on with it, the lone worriers – this article is written for you.
It’s good to talk?
There are messages everywhere, it seems, about it being good to talk about things; about the importance of reaching out if things feel difficult; about sharing problems, feelings, or just whatever is on your mind. And while this is a really positive step in the right direction in terms of mental health and wellbeing, there are still so many of us who just stay silent.
We wondered why this could be
Everyone is dealing with their own set of individual circumstances, so there might be many reasons why sharing what’s going on might not feel that straightforward.
We spoke to a group of people who chatted to us about their own feelings on why staying silent feels easier sometimes.
These are personal opinions and, while they might make sense of your own thoughts, you might have different views that are just as valid and important. Everyone is different.
We chatted to:
- Frankie
- Lena
- Sam
- Kel
- Joe*
*All names are pseudonyms
We asked the question, “Why do so many people struggle in silence?”
Here’s what they had to say:
1. Because sharing can make you feel vulnerable
“I think talking about issues and how you’re truly feeling can be really difficult, because you often have to be quite vulnerable. For many people, being vulnerable comes with a sense of risk and uncertainty – for example, judgement from others, fearing rejection or criticism, or opening up to potential stigma. I think for lots of people, the more distanced you are, and the more walls you build as an emotional defence, the lower the risks are. However, often when we do embrace our authentic self and true feelings (when it’s safe) or accept vulnerability, we are able to gain strength and confidence in handling situations, build deeper connections with others, and encourage awareness and empathy.” – Frankie
2. Because saying it out loud can sometimes make you feel worse
“I find that when I’m in it, I find it really overwhelming and exhausting to talk about how I feel, and I often feel bad about the fact I can’t talk about it so openly – which turns into a cycle of just feeling bad.” – Lena
“This is so true! It’s so hard to sometimes even work out how you’re feeling, let alone vocalise it to others – who then might ask more questions that you’re still trying to work out the answers to. Which adds to overwhelm! Totally relate to that.” – Frankie
3. Because the consequences feel scary
“This depends on what it is I share, but sometimes, thinking about the consequences can prevent me from saying it out loud. For example, telling someone at school might then lead to parents knowing, or teachers finding out, and that feels too much, sometimes, as I don’t want such extreme consequences. That’s maybe why it feels easier to ride it out alone. Which in reality is not easy at all and just makes me feel worse.” – Sam
“Totally agree. I have wanted to share my feelings many times, but thinking about how people will respond might prevent me, especially if I feel someone will have a big reaction. You might just want someone to listen, but sometimes it’s not that straightforward, as the other person might go straight into ‘What do we need to do about this?’ mode.” – Kel
4. Because it will feel more real if you say it out loud
“When you don’t say anything at all, you can pretend that there [are] no issues – like you don’t have to face it. You can just avoid it until it goes away. But the reality of that is that it is real, and it affects you so much more if you keep things to yourself – for me, anyway. I find if everything stays inside my head, I get headaches, or I can’t sleep at night, or I feel more anxious. It’s like my body can’t be silenced, even when I try to keep quiet.” – Kel
5. Because it's not what’s expected of me
“There’s a certain unspoken pressure for some people to just ‘get on with it’ without actually sharing how they feel or saying out loud what’s going on. That could be part of your family expectations, or what society expects of you, [or] your gender, your age, even what you do for a job. It stops whole groups of people from actually saying what’s on their minds. I know for me, being a boy and talking about your feelings or showing your emotions still has that stigma – like it’s a sign of weakness or something. Lots of my friends feel the same. I know the reality is that showing how you feel takes a huge amount of strength, but it’s hard to shake those expectations sometimes.” – Sam
6. Because other people have it worse
“I have kept things to myself before because I’ve compared my situation to others and convinced myself that compared to other people, I’m okay, or I should be able to cope. I’ve done it with emotional difficulties and also with physical pain, too – convincing myself I’m not sick enough to need a doctor’s appointment, and that I shouldn’t take up someone’s space. The issue with this is that there might always be someone in a worse off position. But it doesn’t make how we feel less important. Comparing is so unhelpful, as it can minimise what we feel and lead us to either not respond to our own needs or get the help we need.” – Joe
If saying what’s on your mind feels like too big a step
Sometimes it’s not as easy as just talking, no matter how many people persuade us it’s good for us. It might take some smaller steps for it to feel less scary and overwhelming.
Here are some ideas
Expressing your feelings just to yourself
If sharing how you feel to others doesn’t feel right, you might want to start by simply expressing how you feel just to yourself. Writing it down, drawing how you feel, using art materials, or doing something physical to literally get out your feelings is a great way to express your feelings without having to do it with anybody else’s involvement. If this is something that appeals to you, notice how you feel afterwards, to see if it’s something you feel would benefit you.
“I really enjoy journalling. It helps me to make sense of how I feel – almost like a conversation with myself. Expressing how I feel, even when I don’t want to say it out loud, just makes me feel a bit lighter – like I’ve got things off my chest.” – Joe
If you like the sound of this, check out our activity on expressing yourself through writing.
Sharing how you feel on your terms
If you do want to share how you feel with someone, but doing it face to face feels scary or not right for any reason at all, there are all sorts of alternative ways you can reach out.
- Writing an email to someone you want to tell something to
- Sending a text or voice note to someone
- Writing a letter
- Arranging an initial telephone appointment with a GP or other professional instead of a face-to-face one
- Reaching out anonymously and confidentially right here on Kooth by message or live chat
There is no one right way to reach out, but there might be a right way for you at that moment
Think about your end goal
You might not feel ready to share how you feel, and that’s okay. So, thinking instead about what you want to achieve by reaching out to someone could be a good first step to take, until you do feel ready. This might encourage, motivate, and make sense of how you feel a little bit more. Your end goal could be anything at all:
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- To feel safer
- To get some advice or support
- To make sense of your feelings
- To help you feel less alone`